...........
Rover, a dog, was discussing humans with Rex, a furry cute puppy.
Rex: "I hear humans talking about birds flying south for the winter. Why do they fly way down there?"
Rover: "Because it's too far to walk."
Question: Why does a dog wag his tail?
Answer: That's easy, if you don't understand, you must be a human. It's because there’s no one else to wag it for him!
A lady with logic was walking down the street when a dirty and shabby homeless woman asked for money for supper.
(Obviously not a city woman, she said supper and not dinner)
The lady with logic took $10 out of her pocketbook (again, pocketbook not purse because of the city woman vs regular woman thing) and asked her, "If I give you this money, will you just go and buy chocolate with it instead of supper?"
"No, I stopped eating chocolate years ago," the homeless woman said.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" asked the lady with logic.
"No, I don't go shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend it on a beauty salon instead of food?" asked the lady with logic.
"Are you nuts!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well then," said the lady with logic, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for supper with my husband and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The lady with logic said, "That's okay. I want him to see what I'll look like if I give up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate."
Question: Why are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 scared of 7?
Answer: Because 7 8 (ate) 9
Three sons (humans) have had success in life and they get together each year just before their mother's bitrhday to talk about the gift for mom. Actually, it is more of a brag fest where each brags he got the best gift that year.
Last year, the oldest son announced he had purchased mom a new house. A large house with lots of room, but all on one floor so there was no stairs for her to need to traverse up and down.
The next son remarked he had purchased mom a sleek royal blue italian sportscar. He was sure many people would envy mom in this car.
The third son reminded the other two how mom always liked to read her Bible but her eyesight was failing and it is difficult now.
He had purchased a large parrot and paid someone several thousand dollars to teach that parrot to read.
The parrot is now able to read passages from the Bible and repeat them for mom upon her request.
About two weeks later, they received a joint thank you letter from mom.
Mom told son 1 the house is nice but just too big.
She told son 2 the car was favored by all her friends but it was just too small for her.
To son 3 she wrote, "You've outdone yourself. That was the best birthday present ever. That chicken was delicious!"
A 3 yr old girl came to her Mom with a confused look on her face.
"Mom", she said, "We went to that big store this morning and there were lots of people in there.
Then we went to another big store and there were lots of people in there. Different people.
Before we came home we went to a restaurant for lunch and there were more people, different people in there.
Mom, where are all these people coming from?"
Mom replied, "God created a man named Adam and then a woman named Eve.
Adam and Eve had children. Later, those children had children. And then those children had children.
The number of people kept growing and eventually they spread out all over the earth.
That's the people you see when you go places today."
Now the girl looked really confused.
"I asked Dad while ago", said the 3 yr old, "and that's not what he said."
"What did Dad say?", asked the Mom.
The 3 yr old replied, "Dad said that in the beginning there were only skunks and possums and we came from them."
Mom thought for a second and said, "Dad was just talking about his side of the family."
Two southern men were having a discussion. It went like this:
Man 1 "CM ducks"
Man 2 "Mr Knot ducks"
Man 1 "Mr 2 ducks"
Man 2 takes another look and says, "o i c m r wangs. i gess m r ducks"
Can you read this out loud without help from a language coach? ...
OK, here's some assistance:
Man 1 "See them ducks?"
Man 2 "Them are not ducks!
Man 1 "Them are too ducks"
Man 2 takes another look and says, "Oh, I see them there wings, I guess them are ducks"
...........
A young man was appearing before the hiring staff of the local police department for the final interview questions.
The senior officer asked, "If you were in a situation where you had to arrest your mother in law, what would you do?"
The recruit promptly and proudly replied, "I would call for backup."
...........
Fool me once, same on you;
Fool me twice, shame on me
Indicator of why you want to remember who told you something, whether in a direct conversation, overheard on the news, etc.
Shame on the person who told you something that is not true. When you remember who told, you can avoid the second part.
When this person tells you something else and that turns out to not be true, shame on you for repeating, believing, etc. that which you should have known shouldn't be considered truthful or reliable.
Thus, shame on me after the first time.
__________________________
They - People who seem to have a lot to say yet have no identity.
_____________________________
Three types of people:
People who tend to talk about other people - Think small
People who tend to talk about things - Average people who think average and talk average
People who talk about ideas - People who very well may be good to be around, often thinking big and positive
_________________
WEI or We I
Children will often talk about what is wanted. "I want the red toy tractor" or "I want that doll".
As the person ages and/or matures, most will speak of themselves with "I want the red car" or "I want the that dress" personally.
If "We" continues into adulthood as if trying to represent that other people want the same thing or think the same way or that I am representing other people, etc. you just might be wise to implement USA.
Often, the people who are said to be "we" by this person have no interest or connection. Thus, this becomes a good time to remember "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."
...........
A group of retired racehorses were standing around in the barn at Tryon International Equestrian Center discussing their past racing career.
The first horse said, "I ran in 24 races over 12 years and won first place 5 times."
The second horse said, "I ran in 36 races over 18 years and always finished in the top 5 positions."
Horse three said, "When I raced in those 40 races over my short 10 year career, I was known as the blonde bomber and won nearly half of the races I participated in before I had that neck muscle injury."
The fourth and senior horse said, "Y'all ain't nothing, I ran in 86 races over 21 years and finished first, second or third every time!"
Just then, they all heard a rustling sound in the loose hay over near the stacked full bales of hay.
Startled by the noise, they turned just in time to see Ruger, a dog, who said, "I competed in over 250 Corn Hole events and got the proper corn hole bags in 248 out of the 250 events. I was named an Official Corn Hole Retriever by the Corn Hole Retriever Association!"
"Well I'll be a hungry crooked groundhog, that's amazing" remarked the senior horse, "I didn't know there were any talking dogs around here!!!"
........
Weather for Humans:
Question: Is it bad weather if raining cats and dogs?
Answer: No.
It's OK as long as it's not reining-deer
,.....
Question: What did the groundhog say to the humans who had gathered to stare at him and see if he could see his shadow and predict the weather?
Answer: "Put me back in that hole where it's WAHM!!!"
..........
Question: What's read all over?
Answer: A newspaper
So what's red, white and black?
Answer: A sunburned penquin
......
Question: Why is Ruger, a dog, not a good dancer?
Answer: Duh. You must still be a human.
Because she has two left feet!
.......
Ruger, a dog, has a habit of digging holes, a true Archaedogolist.
(note - I know, it's Archaeologist but you tell Ruger, she has big teeth on both the top and bottom of her mouth)
Ruger practices historic scientific research on a regular basis when she's not busy serving as an authorized Corn Hole Retriever.
This research involves digging holes in scientific locations. Sometimes, this research involves the discovery of historic finds.
Ruger read (don't tell her human mom she uses the computer when human dad 'n mom are at work) and recently learned of a human archaeologist (not a real Archaedogolist) who dug a hole 10 ft deep in New York and found buried copper wires. He concluded that 100 years ago New York had a sophisticated communications system.
That inspired a human archaeologist (another not a real archaedogolist) in California to dig a scientific research hole 20 ft deep. He found copper wire there and concluded Californians had a sophisticated communications system 200 years ago.
Ruger was scientifically inspired to conduct such historic research in North Carolina, so she dug a hole 30 feet deep. Other than some moisture and a lot of red dirt, Ruger found ... nothing.
She concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already developed a wireless communications system.
............
A southern man and his wife were traveling west on Interstate 10. He was silently reading the exit signs to himself as they went along.
Suddenly he said out loud "Look honey, up here is the exit we would take if we were going into New OR-l-e-e-e-a-a-n-n-z
His wife replied, "That's nice honey, but it is pronounced New Awleanz"
"No" he said "It's New OR-l-e-e-e-a-a-n-n-z"
"No" she replied pleasantly, "New Awleanz"
The man realized they were in a phase of disagreement.
Husband, "I'll exit up here at the highway exchange. We'll go through the drive-thru and get something to eat. I'll ask a local person about the proper pronunciation"
"OK" said the wife, "Just ask for them to speak slowly, you know how they talk down in this part of the country."
The husband agreed.
He drove up to order through the drive-thru speaker / microphone.
After taking the order, the restaurant worker gave instructions to drive up to pick up their burgers and pay for the order.
They complied.
After receiving the bag of burgers and paying, the man asked, "We would like you to settle a little disagreement among us. Please speak slowly and tell us the name of this place, where are we?"
The young man at the pick-up window spoke slowly and said, "Burger King."
.......
A southern man purchased a mule from a neighbor but returned the animal soon later and asked for a refund.
The problem was he found the mule to be blind.
The neighbor responded by saying, "but I told him that thar mule didn't look so good."
..........
A seasoned (not senior) citizen phoned her doctor's office.
She asked, "Is it true that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
''Yes, that's correct," replied the doctor.
Silence.
She continued, "Well, I'm wondering, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'?"
,,,,,,,,
Question: How many Southerners does it take to eat a possum?
Answer: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.
..........
Question: Why are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 scared of 7?
Answer: Because 7 8 (ate) 9
.......
Arsh taters = Irish potatoes
Callem = Summons your dog or man
Drag = What you have to do with a dog who has no legs or motivation
Hi wayer = Hawaii
Joja = Georgia
Maters = Tomatoes
Matt = Man with no arms or legs and lying on your porch
Rustle = Man with no arms or legs but is in a pile of leaves in your yard
Sqar = Square
Supper = Supper (for normal people, dinner for city people)
Truck = Pickup truck (for normal people, car for city people)
.....
Question: What did the groundhog say to the humans who had gathered to stare at him and see if he could see his shadow and predict the weather?
Answer: "Put me back in that hole where it's WAHM!!!"
...
Three ladies, sisters, live together in a large house.
Myrtle, the oldest, is 96.
The next is Betty Jo, she is 92.
The youngest is named Baby. She is 88, but being the baby of the family, she will always be called Baby.
One evening Myrtle was upstairs filling the bath tub. She suddenly opened the door and yelled to anyone listening downstairs , "I can't remember if I was getting in or out of this tub, please help!"
Betty Jo heard and started up the stairs. Halfway up she stopped and said, "I can't remember if I was going up or coming down, please help!"
Baby knocked on the wooden table where she was writing and said, "Knock on wood, I'm never going to be like that."
Then she raised her voice and said, "I'll be right up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
......
A man was sitting in his living room one day watching what was left of a football game.
There was a knock on his front door. He opened the door to find a local Southern Belle and she asked if he had any chores she could do to earn some extra money.
"Like what," he said.
"I'm good at painting" remarked the Belle.
He said, "OK, I have a porch that needs to be painted. You will find it around back along with the supplies you will need."
She smiled and said, "OK" as she started walking towards the back yard.
As she entered the back yard area she found his expensive foreign-made sports car.
30 minutes later he heard another knock on the door.
He opened the door to find the Southern Belle was back.
She said, "I'm finished."
He was surprised but before he could say anything, she said, "Just thought you should know, that's not a Pourch, it's one of those Furrari things and now it's freshly painted!"
.......
A traveling salesman was driving through Oklahoma.
As he passed a house in a rural area, he noticed a "Talking Horse For Sale" sign.
He stopped to inquire and walked up to the front door and knocked. A farmer came to the door.
The salesman asked, "May I see that talking horse that is for sale?"
"Sure" said the farmer. "He is right around back in that small paddock."
So the salesman walked around to the back and sure enough, there stood the horse.
"What's your story?" he asked the horse.
The horse remarked "Well, I was born here in the great state of Oklahoma."
The salesman was stunned. The horse really could talk.
The horse continued, "I joined the ARMY during one of the great World Wars. The Generals soon recognized my amazing talents and I was promoted to become a spy. I would walk deep behind enemy lines, blend in with the local four-legs and listen as the enemy troops discussed their plans. I would then relay this information back to our Generals by carrier pigeon. The enemy never suspected that I could understand and speak human, so I was able to gain valuable intelligence for years. It helped to win a lot of battles against the enemy."
"Wow" said the salesman.
The horse continued, " I eventually retired, married and had a couple of colts. Now I work part-time at the big airport over in Tulsa. I watch baggage workers without 'em ever suspecting me and am able to break up a lot of baggage theft groups."
The salesman was amazed. He literally ran back to the front yard.
"How much do you want for that horse!?" he asked the farmer.
The farmer replied, "Oh, I reckon I'll accept $10 for him."
"Just $10?!" said the salesman "That horse can talk! He told me about his valuable career in the Army."
"Oh" said the farmer "Don't let him fool you with those stories. That horse tells a lot of lies. He never was more than a Private in the Army."
........
10 yr old twin boys were energetic but always seemed to be getting in trouble for one thing or another.
Mom decided to ask their pastor if he would talk to the boys and possibly get them to calm down.
The pastor agreed to try.
The boys lived only a few blocks from the church.
One of the boys was asked to come in and talk with the pastor in his office.
While sitting in front of the pastor, the pastor asked, "Son, where is God?"
No answer. Just a stern emotionless face.
After about 30 seconds, the pastor asked again, "Son, where is God?"
Again, there was silence from the boy and again, the pastor repeated the question but didn't get a response.
Without responding and while looking scared, the boy jumped up from the chair, ran out of the office door, down the stairs and out of the church door. All the way home he went.
When home, he ran upstairs and found his brother.
He said, "Oh no, trouble again."
"What's wrong?" asked the brother.
"God is missing and they think we did it!"
.....
Two men, one older and one young, are pushing their shopping buggies around inside Walmart when they collide.
The older man said to the younger man, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The younger man said, "That's OK, what a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife also and I can't find her. I'm getting a little desperate."
The older man says, "Maybe I can help you find her, what does she look like?"
Younger man, "She is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs and is wearing that new skirt I bought for her birthday. What does your wife look like?"
Older man "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
......
Why Are Fire Trucks Red?
A fire truck has 4 firefighters and 8 wheels.
8 + 4 = 12
There are 12 inches in a 1 foot ruler.
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler and also the name of an ocean liner that sailed on the sea.
Fish swim in the sea and fish have fins.
The Fins fought the Russians in the war.
Fire trucks are always rushin' - so fire trucks are red.